Vipassana Meditation in Onalaska, WA - Sept. 22 through Oct. 3

I can truly say that this was a transformative experience for myself. I feel that I have come out of this experience a changed woman. My goals going into it were several - process the death of my boyfriend almost 6 years ago as well as the death of my father a year ago, get a handle on my eating disorder, spend time with myself, and of course, learn how to meditate (although this was less of a priority for me). And I feel like I achieved what I was after to a greater extent than I could have possibly imagined. But more on this in a moment...

First off, let me describe a bit what Vipassana meditation is all about. Vipassana meditation is about eradicating one's misery. SN Goenka frequently discusses that the cause of our miseries all stem from attachments we have and cravings that have been created because of these attachments. Through practicing Vipassana, one can finally free their self from cravings and therefore all miseries. The route to this is through awareness and equanimity (neither desiring a pleasurable experience nor craving the cessation of something undesirable). One tackles both awareness and equanimity through the physical in order to access the mind. In Vipassana meditation one sits without moving and cycles through the body, starting at the top of the head and ending at the tip of the toes. Through every inch of one's body, the meditator brings awareness to bodily sensation and simply observes: "Oh, look at this itching/tingling/warm/ chilling/throbbing/etc. sensation." Clearly, when one is still, there are numerous painful sensations that come about, but the idea here is to not react. To only allow one's self to observe the sensation and then continue on with cycling through the different areas of the body. The idea is that when you can break your habit pattern of reacting on the physical level, the habit patterns of the mind are also broken. So it is that cravings are evaporated (of course slowly over the course of years of practice) and one is finally free of misery.

Here is a brief summary of several insights that emerged during my Vipassana:

Insight #1: I came to the Vipassana with the hopes of resolving one main issue - that of my father, more or less, abandoning me when I was 12 years old. I already could see how this pain manifested itself during the final stages of every romantic relationship I had, but I was at a loss as to how to solve the problem. I had hoped that at some point and time in my life, I would be able to resolve the issue with my father himself, but this option was eliminated with my father's passing this last Christmas. Throughout the 10 days, I finally realized that it was not about 'solving the problem' per se, but rather, learning how this wound affects me in my life. I finally feel like I have the tools to understand why I have the wound that I have (i.e. my attachment and craving for love, attention, affection, support, etc. from a prominent male figure in my life) and how it tends to manifest itself in my daily life (e.g. staying with men longer than I should because I have latched on to the idea that they may give me the things that I crave). I feel that by becoming aware of how the wound affects me, it gives less power to the source of the pain and with awareness, I will be able to change my behavior patterns so that the original wound will not continue to cause pain.

Insight #2: Overeating is a manifestation of my pain from the loss of my father via feeling lonely and depressed. I am not quite sure how many of you were aware of this, but I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 6 years - ever since my boyfriend committed suicide. I had gained a handle on it about 2 years ago (right before I moved to Seattle) but shortly after, I found out that my father was terminally ill and the viscous cycle of binge eating continued. I have always been aware of my eating disorder - I never was in denial. And perhaps for this very reason, several people close to me failed to realize the extent to which I had a problem. The Vipassana created the perfect conditions for me to attack this problem head on. First of all, I did not have access to whatever food I pleased (generally I would binge on comfort foods - foods that would release particular chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine to which I had, more or less, become addicted to) as food was provided by the center for the duration of the course and only at particular times. Secondly, I was much more aware of my body during the 10 day course through the countless hours of meditation. It was amazing to me to see how much I could listen to my body and only eat what it actually needed, instead of what I thought I wanted. I focused on eating slowly and really tasting my food - something that I haven't done in years. I also understood the psychology of having a feeling of accomplishment when clearing my plate, so I would make sure to take small portion sizes. I would allow myself a small 'second serving' for those foods that were exceptionally tasty (there were several!) to also have the pleasure of feeling like I got to have more. All of these changes paid off, and by the end of the 10 day course, I had lost 7.5 lbs. solely by changing the way I eat.

Insight #3: Actions speak louder than words. Countless family members and friends have been telling me this for years, but being a rather verbal person, I ignored the sage advice of the masses and instead ignorantly and oftentimes, somewhat blindly, believed the words spoken to me. I suppose one must learn certain lessons on one's own and so it was with this particular proverb. It amazed me to see how, during the 10 days of silence, I was able to create bonds with the other girls in my cabin. I could tell when they were happy, when they were sad, and when they needed a hug to help get through the day. It was amazing to see how much communication could go on sans words - that we can actually be very clear about what it is we want or how we are feeling just by the actions that one undertakes.

In conclusion, I should mention that the Vipassana was not perfect, nor did I behave perfectly during my stay. I had several philosophical issues with several things that SN Goneka was teaching and yet, now a few weeks out of the course, the negative has faded completely away and only the positive things that I learned have stayed with me. I am truly grateful for this experience and am pleasantly surprised at the new direction that my life is heading now. I feel calmer, freer, more grounded, and better apt to handle that which life throws my way. :)

Bhavatu sabba mangalam. (May all beings be happy.)
Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu... (Well said, well done...)

For more information about Vipassana meditations please view http://www.dhamma.org.